I was on a ventilator for 12 days, and had numerous dreams and hallucinations during my time under, I have no idea if what went on in my mind was spread across those two weeks, if they occurred during the days that I was apparently awake, or if they even happened in a single day. All I know is the helplessness and hopelessness that I felt were very real to me, and that while I’ve so far been spared of most of the emotional and mental trauma that accompanies those memories, they’ll stay with me forever.
This hallucination is probably the one where I remember the fewest of the specific details (and thankfully so), but it was one of the worst experiences that I’ve ever had. While I can’t place exactly where or when it happened in the order of what I experienced, it has stuck out in my mind as occurring fairly early on, and looking back I think it was one of the first hallucinations that I had.
I woke up not knowing where I was or what was happening – all I knew was that I was tied up, unable to move, in the back seat of a silver Dodge Charger. I didn’t have any recollection on how I got there. The Charger was parked on one of the middle levels of a parking garage, across a couple of parking spots – along the outer wall – and was perpendicular to the side of the parking garage. My feet were facing the wall of the parking garage.
After I woke up, a man opened the back door to the car, the one right behind my head, and started talking to me. I don’t remember any of the actual words that were said, but he told me that he had kidnapped me, and that he was holding me hostage for a purpose. It was the eve of the 2020 election, and he wanted to use me to galvanize people towards voting for his party and for his presidential candidate. He held a gun to my head and told me that he was going to kill me to make a political statement, and that once I was dead it would tilt the election in his favor. My kidnapper, outside of being a fervent supporter of his party, had no other affiliation, status, or standing with them – he was just a random supporter of theirs that came off the street. He believed that either that my death would cause people to vote his way out of fear or that he would frame my murder on the other party, which would cause people to vote for his party (I don’t remember which one it was, or whether it was both).
Because I was tied up, I was completely unable to move, and I was completely helpless. However, unlike my other hallucinations, I was able to speak. For some reason I knew that my kidnapper’s candidate was winning, and I told him so – that my death would be meaningless and wasn’t necessary since he would get what he wanted without needing to kill me. He didn’t care. His mind was set on murdering me, and he continued to hold his gun to my head. My pleading with him didn’t make any difference, and I knew that I was going to die, and that I would die helpless and alone (outside of my kidnapper).
I can’t remember if it ended there, or if anything else happened, but I know that that experience ended with me being helpless and knowing that I was going to die – like many of my other hallucinations. While all of this occurred months ago, and I know it wasn’t real (and it doesn’t have any real impact or effect on me today), I can still remember the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness that I felt, knowing that I was going to die and that I was unable to do anything about it.